I just want my baby to live

Mum and dad did used to go to church. And when they split, they didn't go to church any longer. Mum gave me up and I went to live with my nana. Then mum ended up meeting someone else and she got pregnant, and she had twin girls. I struggled with that, her giving me up and then having another two and keeping them.  

So, I went out and I did drugs. Did all that lifestyle. I got in a bad relationship. He beat me up. He was a drug dealer too, so I took the beating I suppose. In the end, I did get away from it. But I carried on with the drug scene. It was a comfort.  

I was a manager at McDonald's, and I met a guy there. We started dating and we lived together quite a while. Then I decided that I wanted to have a baby. I had two miscarriages. Then I finally got pregnant. I got to 27 weeks pregnant when, in the early hours one morning, I woke up and I was in agony, so much pain. We went to the hospital, and they checked me and they said, "Oh no, your baby's coming." I was in the bed, and the pain just was so unbearable.  

Later on in the day, I started vomiting up straight black. And I was like, “Whoa, something's seriously wrong.” It was completely black. I've never seen anything like it. Suddenly, I had doctors and nurses all in the room. They felt around my side, it was quite tender, really sore. So, they decided that there was something else wrong. It wasn't actually to do with me being pregnant. So, they decided there was going to be surgery. I knew I was in trouble when my family had to come up.  

I got taken into surgery. I remember before surgery, I had to sign a piece of paper. It was to do the surgery, but it was also for Lara. If they had to take her out, there was a big chance that she wouldn't survive. Getting told that she might not survive was unbearable. I had another nurse, she was really good. She said, "I had mine at 27 weeks." She gave me a bit of encouragement and said, "She'll be fine, she will survive. Things will work out."  

So I signed the piece of paper. I don't think I really wanted to. I also decided then I had to pray. I wanted her to survive. I knew I was in trouble. I wasn't living right and stuff. I knew where I was gonna go if I didn't make it out of that operation alive. So I just prayed to myself, “If I do make this out and my wee girl is safe, I will come back to church, and serve the Lord again.”  

After the operation, I don't really remember lots, but my nana said that I'd come out of the operation, and they'd showed me a scan. They showed me that wee Lara was okay. I don't remember, but Nana told me I was so happy that they managed to keep her inside of me.  

So what was wrong was I had two appendices and it ruptured my bowel. And with me being so full on pregnant, that's what caused it all. It's not a very common thing. It did work out well. And I know Nana and my family were really good.  

It was my uncle that gave me a call one day. He said, "Are you gonna come back to church?" So I went back when I think Lara was about one, one and a half. And I never looked back. I gave up drugs about three years ago. Now I've got my wee girl, Lara, which is awesome, and I have another wee girl.  

I know God's been there the whole way through for me, because I've survived through quite a bit that I probably shouldn't have. I haven't had the parents there, and it's been hard, but I have got there because I know God is there with me.  

I want to be the best mum to my kids. And I want to bring them up the way my nana and uncle brought me up in the church. I want them to love God. I want to be able to show them what I went through, so they can help other people as well.  

Let God in and, in your times of struggle, just cry out to Him, because He is there. He does listen to you. He knows when we're hurting, when we're struggling. Cry out to Him, and He will comfort you.